The greatest creation....possibly EVER !!!

Look Out USA....We are always watching !!

Ok so I know we all love to joke about how slow our neighbours to the South can be, but holy Bejayzuz sometimes they just out do themselves !!!

If you click on the picture of the poppy coin you can read for yourself a news account of an American Military Contractor that while travelling through Canada found a 2004 memorial poppy coin in the cup holder of his rental vehicle. Now what would you do? I would think "Jackpot....a Quarter"......what did this military contractor do?

Let me tell you what he did .... he deduced through a quick visual check that said coin was in fact a spy coin filled with nano technology which was possibly tracking his every move. He came to this conclusion based on the colourful poppy inlaid into the coin.

The supposed nano-technology actually was a conventional protective coating the Royal Canadian Mint applied to prevent the poppy's red colour from rubbing off. The mint produced such quarters in 2004 commemorating Canada's 117,000 war dead.

BUT get this... the stupidity does not stop here, this is not one man being retarded....its an entire government full of inbred retards.....you see they found them so suspicious that they filed confidential espionage accounts about. The confidential accounts led to a sensational warning from the U.S. Defence Security Service, an agency of the Defence Department, that mysterious coins with radio frequency transmitters were found planted on U.S. contractors with classified security clearances on at least three separate occasions between October 2005 and January 2006 as the contractors travelled through Canada.....If this is true of course then look out world because the Royal Canadian Mint made 30 million of them HA HA... We know everywhere you go lol

So in good ole Jester fashion... America ...there is only one thing I can say !!!!

How well do you know my madness???

Create your own Friend Test here

Secret Love.....you have to try this link !!

Jester's Movie Review

O Boy !!!!

Ok so I saw this in yonder ole Blockbuster video and had to tale me a gander !!!

Its a documentary about the state of the church in the USA.....it concentrates on the pentecostals (which happen to be the only other sect on par for me with the damn catholics) and their manipulation of young people to create little zealots that are told what to believe ... see...anyone else would see this and say "Wow... thats some crazy shit...thank gawd its way down there in the southern states".... Well not this Jester

You see in a former life I was one of these young retarded children that was brainwashed into thinking passing out "in the spirit" or speaking in tongues ... laying on hands and all that crap was a sign of some devine presence... bla bla bla........NEWSFLASH....its people seeking attention dammit !!!

Anyways the point.......it was a great movie... I laughed and laughed cause I know its allll true.....not only is it true... but there is a damn camp just like it in Cobourg....Thats right... just up the road is a brainwashing facility of the pentecostal kind... fecking crazies !!! well when I was younger I was able to escape the concentration camp of Jesus ... and too say, rent this movie... its actually educational and makes you realize ... its great to be a heathen !!!!

"So sayeth the Jester" "So sayeth the Flock"

Men and Women

Worst position for sexual intercourse:

Sexual intercourse between consenting anglerfish is limited to only one position--but what a position it is! The male anglerfish, considerably smaller and weaker than the female, sinks his teeth into his mate just above her eyes and hangs on for dear life--forever. Meanwhile, his body atrophies from disuse, and by the time he dies, he has been reduced to a set of disembodied, orally located sex organs. His fins, body, and lower organs have withered away long before.

According to MIT biologist Robert Bener, "He's essentially a male wart on the female's forehead."
(my wife says the same thing about me all the time)

Faithfully rewarded

Hows this for devine justice

A woman in Prague, Czechoslovakia, threw herself from a third-floor window after learning that her husband had been unfaithful to her. She landed on her husband, who was entering the building at that moment. He died instantly; she survived.

makes a Jester smile just a little

When Jesters Attack !!!!

Welcome to a new segment I like to call "When Jesters Attack !!!

Take that Pop Culture King !!!!...it looks good on ya !

My new past time.....

Its always nice to pick up new hobbies and past times.....well I picked up a new one tonight.
After work I picked up the Mrs. and off we went to Denny's....I am not a big fan of Denny's but it was 2 am so options are limited......anyhoo......we went to Denny's for dinner

We ate...it was ok.... the cheque came... it was not that bad...but for whatever reason I paid with my credit card.....so they brought me back the receipt to sign and left assuming I would leave the receipt...which of course I did.....BUT....what didn't I leave you ask??? ...THE PEN...

That's right.... I thiefed the pen !!!!...Jester the pen bandit you can call me.....this is my second consecutive pen swipe... I am a regular restaurant clepto baby !!!! Restaurants of the world beware !!! The Jester is coming for you pens !!!!

And restauarants always use such nice pens......

Wowzers....I am Back Baby !!!

I know you are shocked ..... I mean just look at the look on you face! BUT its true.... it's damn true....the Jester is back to terrorize.....

Don't ask where I have been... I won't tell you....There has been many a good Blog opportunites missed in my absence....I will list 3 brief examples...

1. Did you know that if you are stone cold drunk and you rearend someone you are better off running away than staying at the scene......to stay is a huge fine and most certainly a little jail time.......run away and you pay 200 bucks and lose 7 points.....RETARDED (yes I say retarded ...see previous post)

2. Did you know it can actually be funny to talk to a beautiful woman about how she pooped her pants.... I thought it would be gross before but nope.... it's funny.... escpecially if you keep bringing it up.

3. Did you know there is a place where you can go to a simulation of what its like to be at Niagara Falls..... its a 3-d presentation and apparently includes mist and everything....nice.....do you know where it is??...Oooooo about a 5 MINUTE WALK FROM NIAGARA FALLS.......What marketing jackass came up with that idea.....not to mention it costs like 14 bucks to see it....RETARDED (see previous post)

Anyway thats just a snip of whats been in my warped excuse for a brain over the past few months........talk soon.....maybe

Always the Jester....Never the Fool

One twinkie too many??

I have made a rather enlightening although unpleasant discovery........but before I get to that ...

I apologize for my blogging absence of late.....I have been distracted and uninspired......but no worries ... I am back for my loyal fans.... both of you

Anyway back to my discovery.......So as you know I work late and usually end up staying up late....I mean really late... as in infomercial territory......so I am flipping through infomercials and settle on one of those time life cd collections of oldies but goodies.....you know the ones.......this one shows old clips of the artists as well .........when they came to the song "The Twist" I made my upsetting discovery......
I AM CHUBBIER THAN CHUBBY CHECKER

Thats right.... I realized that I am bigger than a guy whose name is Chubby....thats disturbing.....now in my defense for a guy named chubby he isn't all that big ... but that doesn't excuse the fact that I am chubbier than chubby......

I need a carrot stick....pilates anyone????

Its the Chronic WHAT !!!!

Ok this is one of the funniest things I have seen in a long time......it's been circulating since December so you may have seen it but I fecking LOVE IT !!!!!!!!!..

Sorry its just a link but I am not as advanced as some of you kids and can't figure out how to post a Vid !!!

http://g.msn.com/0VD0/02/26?m=snl_1432_narnia.wmv&csid=3&sd=mbr

Round Hole - Square Peg

OK .....like most of my stories it begins.....so I am at work talking about nothing in particular.... and the topic moves to fast food.....McDonalds is mentioned ....Harveys......then someone spits out "Wendy's os ok"......and that got the wheels-a-turnin.....and ya know what????



WENDY"S IS NOT OK..........Since when is it ok to make a fecking SQUARE HAMBURGER.....I mean how the hell do you make a square one anyway..... last time I checked when you roll meat into a paddy it doesn't come out square !!!! Its all very unholy !!!! and .... like usual ... I blame the Catholics......

Of course this leads us to a whole different issue..... ok so you have gone ahead and made a square burger.....I don't like it... but you did it.....maybe I can live with it..... until I order my square burger..... and.....IT COMES ON A ROUND BUN.....I mean Feck man if you are going to make a square burger than commit to it......just like Tim Hortons addicts Ole Dave needs to fecking take a stand and stop pissing around.... With a square burger and a round bun you will never EVER get the meat to bun ratio right ...... I mean Jezuz its Burger making 101 !!!!!!

I think Wendy needs to go to Ronald McDonalds College......see I can solve all the worlds important problems....

Reclaiming Retarded !!!

You know when I was a youngster growing up I did as children do.....and at times when involved in a verbal joust with a fellow 10 year old combatant... I called them a retarded jackass....

Now as I grew up somewhere along the way calling someone a retard or referring to them as retarded became politcally incorrect, as it was offensive to mentally challenged individuals and as I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings I steered away from the term not wanting to be insenstive.

Well the year is now 2006....and the beginning of the era of political correctness was quite some time ago......and it is in my opinion that the term retard no longer applies to "mentally challenged individuals" as society as a whole has moved past such an ignorent stereotype, after all, the definition of retarded is to mean slow. And quite frankly I know alot of Mentally Challenged people that are faster and smarter then I am !!!......coming to this thought provoking place of enlightenment has allowed me to come to a favourable conclusion...

I can once again call my Jackass friends FECKING RETARDED !!


Hooray for social progress !!!!

CRANKY !!!!

Ok so they always say "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" ...... ok so what do you do when life gives you prunes............................shit !




I AM PISSY....... I couldn't really tell you why ..... I have a mild headache, don't feel like going to work, the house is a bit messy .... BLA BLA BLA .......typical B.S. kinda day feeling........I am thinking I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed..... well the solution to that seems pretty easy ....... So I am going back to bed and am gonna try it again....let's hope I rewake up on the right side and I am not so pissy or God help folks at work today !!!!

The pissy Jester

I just don't understand some people !!!

Ok so some people just do things their own way I guess....and their way is WRONG

So let me lay down a little background.......ok so the fellas washroom where I work is set up as such......there are 3 urinals and 2 stalls....one stall is a handicap accessable stall .... ya know its bigger and has the bar to help you in and out yada yada......

So anyway .... I needs to do me some bidness.....so off to the potty I goes......now when I get in the place is empty .... good I like it that way ..... so I choose the handicap stall.... because lets face it who doesn't like a bit of extra leg room for whatever the occassion. So I am doing my bidness when I hear the door open... "O great there goes my privacy" ..... and into the stall beside me he goes..... keep in mind there are 3 empty urinals.....so all I hear is a quick piss and he starts doin up......now I know some guys prefer the stall .... but.... and this is what threw me..... DUDE SAT DOWN TO DO IT....... I mean seriously fella you are taking this womens lib thing toooo far ......and NOOOOO its not over here..... so I can see the feet right cause you can see the feet stall to stall ..... and girlie boy is wearing white running shoes with black socks pulled up over his ankles in shorts..... so now I am thinking PANZY NERD .......and as the icing on the cake..... DIRTY RAT BASTAGE DIDN'T WASH HIS HANDS..............so lets review...


IT WAS A DIRTY PANZY NERD ......... good on ya fella, the parents must be so proud !

Follow up to my previous post....

OK so I made me a trip back to Blockbuster this weekend and here is what I noted..........

There is in fact 16 copies of the piece of shite on the shelves......they in fact take up 2 full shelves........and if I will be damned they were sold out of it again.....if only more people read my blog instead of mainly just me the world would know......

BEOWULF AND GRENDEL is a piece of SHITE !!!!!!

Jester's Movie Review

Ok so this weekend the wife and I decide to rent movie's.......so off to blockbuster we go........whilst perusing the shelves I spot a movie that takes my interest......"Beowolf and Grendel"......upon reading the back it seems ok ...... the story of a viking hero battling a murderous troll......right up my alley..... I like action flicks and I like sword fighting movies... this one seems to have it all right???

Well to be sure you kinda pay attention to other facts when its a movie you have never heard of....well blockbuster has like 12 to 15 copies of it......good sign......and this is the second time I have attempted to rent it as it has been sold out previously.....good sign.....and even now the shelf is empty but I asked and they have a copy behind the counter...... all seems fine to me right???

WRONG !!??!!!!.......this movie was PURE SHITE ....an hour and a half of my life that I (and obviously alot of other idiots that rented it thus leading me to rent it) will never get back !!!! .....The story?? SHITE......The acting??? SHITE.....The scenery??? at first it seems nice until you realize its the same place used over and over again therefore... SHITE..................I mean seriously.......its set in Daneland (Norway) yet all the people from the same little village have different accents Fer Feck Sake...... I mean these people are practically related but one has a Scottish accent, another British.... the priest is Irish and the town witch is ... AMERICAN !!! (thats right...noone actually has a Norwegien or even Swedish accent).... I guess a clue to the shitiness of this movie should have been that one of the stars names was Ingvar......which leads me back to my previous post...Swedes suck !!!

So in retrospect if you have the opportunity to view this particular piece of cinemetography......don't !!!... You will regret it !!!!

Feck You Sweden !!!

Ok .... so in casual conversation with a co worker recently, he ever so kindly reminded me of an institution I rank up there with The KKK, Al Quaida, and Tim Hortons.... and her name?????



I mean holy shite......if I wanted to build my own furniture I would have became a carpenter (or a messiah/saviour of the world cause apparently its the same feckin thing ... but I digress).......with the kind of money ya have to freakin pay ... not to mention you have driven all the way to scarborough.... then you can put my fecking desk together for me A-Hole ..... .... add to that the fact that I nearly died once in an Ikea becuase I was WALKING AROUND FOR DAYS WITH NO EXIT IN SIGHT .... I mean JUZUZ H CHRIST....... I think the frikkin Swedes do that on purpose..... you get stuck in an circle pattern ... unable to find the escape route.... All the while they pump in that " soothing" music with the subliminal messages underneath brainwashing us ......."WE ARE SWEDISH....BUY OUR UGLY SHITE....AND WE DON'T WANT TO PUT IT TOGETHER SO DO IT YOURSELF STUPID CANADIAN !!!" ....Go to hell Sven and take your biatch wife Inga with you !!!

Seriously....other than the Swedish Bikini team and a couple of hockey players what good ever came out of Sweden??

I just took one up the Arse !

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME........I had held out as long as I could.........it had been $1.09........it went to $1.12 ...........couldn't possibly go any higher right? I can hold out one more day with what I have now.......but wait now I am almost out and have no choice but to go ....... and gas is at hmmmm.... let me see..............$1.14 ????????????????.......... HOLY BEJAYZUZ MOTHER FECKER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!.......what the hell is going on.........what is the world trying to do to me.......I mean seriously ... if they ram it up there any harder I am gonna be able to crap out a diamond !!!!!!!!! ...........I am seriously thinking of taking out a second mortgage just TO PUT FECKING GAS IN MY CAR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Am I bitter right now? Methinks yes .......

Oh this is gonna be a wonderful day ..... I am going back to bed

Oh how I have missed you !!!!

Ok so this past weekend was the first chance I have had in a long time to get reaquainted with an old love interest............she is near and dear to my heart and I have missed her so ..... her name..... Alcohol......and for the first time in a long while I got FACED !!!!!

In Fact .... I got totally off my ass faced......it felt sooooooooooooo good...... I started out usual ... some Smirnoffs.... tequila....... same old same old.... and I was feeling ok.... but it was a friends birthday celebration so I decided to bring out the big guns......I am sure you all have that drink that just puts you on your ass more efficiently than others......well my old faithful is a Dr Pepper........What is a Dr pepper?? well for those of you that don't know ... I will explain.

There are a few versions ... some flaming... some with a larger mix of other alcohols such as Kahlua and Cherry Brandi....but I like to keep it simple !!! The best way to do it is thus:

Fill beer glass a third way up with your choice of beer
Then fill it up another third with Coca Cola
You will then need a shot glass full of Ameretto (mmmmmm tastes like candy)

After clinking glass or whatever your ritual... drop the shot of Ameretto into the beer glass (shot glass and all) and chug the whole thing....tastes just like Dr Pepper and rips you in a hurry !!!!!!

Now as I said there are variations... for example the bar I was at Saturday night did not add Coca Cola so it was just beer and Ameretto so it wasn't as sweet but still tastes great... to make her flame up generally you can add a tablespoon of Biccardi right after dropping in the shot and light it but I have learned in the past that flaming drinks do nasty things to me so I don't light things anymore......

So if you ever run across a Jester drinking in a bar.... offer him a Dr pepper.....it will be greatly aappreciated !!!!

Maybe there is a God !?!

And what has me reconsidering my entire existence as an Athiest you ask?? ....It's simple really......ABC Cancelled that piece of crap rip off "The One" !!!!.....thats right...someone heard my plea and said... IF THE JESTER DON"T LIKE IT.... IT AIN"T NO GOOD!!!! ..... so the good news is ... is if there is a God... he does my bidding (insert evil laugh here)

But I wonder what George Stromjackassopoulos is gonna do now?? so much for his new main stream career ... back to VH1 or MuchMuscrap or whereve the hell he can get a job .... they are also reconsidering running a canadian version of the show.. sweeet.... just show the British one dammit ....its the only good version out there... Azzholes !!!!

The One......What a pissappointment......

Ok so I watched the season premiere of the "new" show called "The One" tonight which really isn't a new show it all, it's a rip off of a show from the UK that I loved called "Fame Academy".... and.....like most shows the idiot American's try to steal from the UK.... it was a complete pissappointment.....what is a pissappointment you ask???? ... It's when something is so completely disappointing that it pisses you off !!!!!!!!!!!

So almost all the singers were shit except maybe one or two and they were the only ones the judges criticized...deaf feckers!!....The One is just next in line in crap UK remakes (Big Brother excepted of course)...... Americans fecked up "The Office"...they have plans on fecking up "Father Ted"....they ripped off "Pop Idol"... and now have fecked up Fame Academy....George Stronassholeopoulos as a host ???? Why not force feed sleeping pills to the audience first ... same fecking thing (Sorry Rhi but he's a boring gobshite)....Gawd Damn Americans can piss me off !!!!!!

The wife tried to poison me !!!

Ok .... so have you ever been in so much pain that the sheer intensity of it made you throw up? Well I hadn't either until yesterday........

So it goes like this.... I work pretty late ... get home around 1:30 in the morning.... the wife has a real job so she was home all evening and cooked me dinner and put it in the fridge.....so when I get home there is a nice plate of ribs and fried rice waiting right? .....well.......kinda........so I heat it up and eat it....yum yum ....... then off to bed.......

ok so now its 6 am and I am in the bathroom suffering from the most severe stomach pains I have ever felt.......but nothing is happening if ya know what I mean......so I am sitting on the crapper not crapping and the pain is excrutiating....so much so that I throw up in the bathtub.....so at this point I realize I have a decision to make..... its either off to the hospital or try and tough it out and see what happens....well as luck would have it Jesters don't like hospitals so toughing it out is the decision made......so back to bed I go ....for ohhhh about 5 minutes.... then I am back in the bathroom puking left and right !!!!.......

So here I am 2 days later.... stomach still hurts .....not near as bad ..... stopped puking though....must have puked the bad stuff out.....pulled a muscle in my sternum too .... from the puking of course....the only comfort I have is knowing the same thing happened to the wife about 7 hours after me... not as bad as mine but similiar.... why is that a comfort you ask? .......because at least now I know she didn't poison me on purpose so I don't have to sleep with one eye open !

McGrease Burger with Cheese

Ok so yesterday I was running a little late for work and couldn't grab a bite before I left so I figure .... what the hell I will hit the drive thru......I order a double cheeseburger from McD's .......

It was the fecking most disgusting thing I ever saw...it was like they dipped in the grease bucket before wrappin it up.... I didn't even attempt to take a bite... just threw it back in the bag and swore all the fecking way to work because of course I couldn't turn around to complain cause if I do I am late for work .... DAMN IT !!!!!

And now that I have been talking about McD's I could go for a burger and fries right about now... I truly am a sick bastard !

The drive in is cool

Ok so I have decided there is no better way to watch a movie then going to the drive in... I think I am addicted....I feckin love it....sitting in the bucket seats of your own car is way more comfortable then stupid theatre seating.... and the food.... although expensive ...kicks ass !!! Not to mention you get to see 2 or more movies for the same price you would pay at the theatre and if you wanna get down and dirty with yer best girl you can crawl in the back seat......................of course I don't because I am married and screw that I am watching a movie.... we can do that when we get home ! So now that I consider myself a bit of an expert on drive in viewing here are some tips for the novices....

1....Bring bug spray .... you will want yer windows open as it gets hot in the car in the summer

2....bring pillows.....once you recline yer seats you need to prop your head or you get a stiff neck

3.... bring something to do until the movies starts... you can be there for an hour and a half before it gets dark enough for the first movie to start (we bring cards and play crazy 8's)

4....dusk til dawn movie's sound like a great idea but actually suck !!!!! ... 3 movies is the max you want to sign on for

5....bring something to keep you cool.... we bring a spray bottle of cold water and keep it in a small cooler with those things you freeze you keep coolers cold... trust me it can get warm...

6... bring a blanket... after 1am it starts to get cool.... I never want one but the wife gets cold

and finally...

7.....if yer not married bring condoms......... always wear a rain coat .... its just safer !!!!

SO there you have it .... there are 2 drive ins within driving range of the durham area.... there is one in Port Hope and another in Lindsay http://www.lindsaydrivein.com/ .... try it and let me know how it works out for you !!!! ... and if you dont like it FECK OFF

Reality Check

Ok so I have made fun of people for their lame ass Tim Hortons addictions..... and yes you are still lame.....but turns out I have a lame ass addiction of my own....... REALITY TELEVISION

Hello.... My name is Jester... and I am a Reality Teleholic

Thats right... I love Reality tv... I watch almost anything.... Survivor.....The Amazing Race......The Apprentice... The Biggest Loser... Hell I even watch Laguna Beach....

But the newest installment will be Big Brother All Stars .... I loved Survivor all stars so Big Brothers version seems enticing... I want janelle to win ... Shes hot and more then a little nutz... which of course seems to be what I am attracted too ... so if you ever wanna pick me up I guess a good tip would be to trying it wearing a straight jacket (and perferably nothing else).... of course then my wife would kill me because she is a little bit nutz (thats why I married her after all) and so on and so forth..........but if you think the lameness ends with Reality tv... think again !!!

I have also found myself lately tuning in to watch Coronation street.... its something I got into when I lived in Ireland (they only have 8 channels so choices are limited) and I find myself back into it again ............. but damn it I must know if Jamie finds out his fiance was sleeping with his father while they were dating....

Anyway ... a glimpse into the mind of a sad man !!!!!!

A dream come true

OK so those of you that have read previous entries you will be aware of my fascination with the stunning and funny Anna Faris ........(takes a moment to drool) ... well I have failed to mention that there is one girl that rivals her.....and that is the sexy and hilarious Isla Fisher (the red head from The Wedding Crashers) ..... mmmmmm Isla.....

Well it just so happens that last night I was watching the MTV Movie awards and if Isla Fisher won for breakthrough performance of the year ... damn she is hot ... and guess what ??? It was presented to her by....none other than my beloved Anna Faris .......wahooo .... on stage together... they hugged and touched each other .... damn to be the meat in that sandwich.....makes it alot easier to visualize my dirty thoughts now that I actually saw them together ... Holy hell they are smokin....

Anyway ... just a glimpse inside the mind of a dirty perverted Jester

Beating a dead horse....

OK so I know I have blabbered on alot about religion and such .... but I found me a website that in all serious makes me wanna run for the office of antichrist... I mean the BS people pull in the name of god is rediculous.

So there is a church down the the southern states (what a surprise) called Westboro Baptist church that basically is just a step up from the KKK....the difference is they don't promote actual violence just the hate that usually goes along with it ... and it is not racist just homophobic and more than slightly retarded... they have a few sites actually... a few being www.godhatesfags.com .... www.godhatescanada.com ... www.godhatessweden.com etc etc.....why Sweden I have no idea, I think they have legalized gay marriage as well so that would explain it. Anyway the church is not mainstream and is made up of less then 100 followers 80% of which are all related (most likely of the cousin marrying variety)....so basically I am waiting for them to complete the cults suicide pact and be done with them.....

Waco here we come !!!

I sent them a fun little email and will wait to see if I get a reply....seemed like fun at the time....I don't know if they will though because I mentioned I was Canadian so they may think I am the devil... which is cool too.... but I prefer title of antichrist.

Its sad to say but these mental midgets are giving regular run of the mill idiot religions a bad name !

Important Study...

I just can't help myself...

OK so today I will be bitching about a familiar topic.....now I know the topic of sex was mentioned but how can I bitch about sex? It's like pizza ... even when its bad its good......for us guys anyways.....

So no no no ... back to my main pain in the ass.....Jesus lovers !!!..... today incidentally we will discuss the catholics who I blame for the whole feckin mess !!!! All other christian spin offs, or as I like to call them, "Joanie and Chaci's" .. came from the retards otherwise known as the catholics. Due to a recent read (I am actually only halfway through the book ... imagine how pissed off I will be when I am finished) I am getting alot of insight into the creation of christianity and more specifically the catholic church. The book is called "The Jesus Paper's" by author Michael Baigent.....It was Baigent's original work called "Holy Blood Holy Grail" that in turn spawned The Davinci Code.....This Blog is way to short to cover the book so read it yourself if you have any interest ... but basically its the catholics that began "The Jesus Mythology" (thats right... I said mythology) and basically made it up as they went along....This Jesus of Faith preached goodwill and peace bla bla .... so tell me why were cathloics running all over Europe amd the Middle East burning people for having original thoughts? Easy...Catholics are assholes !!!

The book holds many interesting facts and theories....for example Jesus wasn't even declared a divine being until almost 200 years after his supposed crucifixtion (thats right... I said supposed)... Jesus himself never claimed to be the Son of God....he was a fecking political leader for a group called the zealots bla bla bla....

so in summary.......if I ever find myself in a situation where I get to declare war on any country.... the vatican it is ..... pricks !!!!!

Bloggers Block

Ok... so I seem to be suffering from a bit of bloggers block.....considering I don't want to talk about my life (its way to boring anyway) that only leaves me with my warped opinions...and to be honest I haven't had any outbursts recently. With the exception of continued anti chrisitan sentiments which have kept my mind busy of late...however I wailed on the Jesus freaks a few weeks back so I don't see the point wailing again just yet....although I am reading a great book which attempts to argue the point that Jesus never died on the cross .... but I digress.....

So to the point...what the hell can I get an opinion on... I mean really I have alot of fecked up opinions on most topics... I just can't think of any ..... lil help anyone?

I don't get it...

Ok so this post is going to be a tad Canadianized but a Jester has to vent now doesn't he.......TIM F'N HORTONS.......WTF is the fascination with Canadians and Tim Hortons??? It's a doughnut shop people....I swear if anything will ever make me go postal and go on a shooting spree you can bet it will be because, of and in the viscinity of a Tim Hortons !!!!.... I am so sick of being out trying to get where I am going and having to stop and wait because another Tim Horton's drive thru line up is so long its sticking out into the street and I can't get by.......HEY MORONS its COFFEE........ya ya ya I know what yer thinking..."but Jester...it's the best damn cup of coffee ever" ...well I am sorry but even the best coffee ever is still coffee and therefore still tastes like donkey piss. AND NEWS FLASH.... they now make Tim Hortons the home game..... so BUY A COFFEE MAKER AND MAKE IT AT HOME YOU LAZY ASS!!!!!....people without lame addictions are trying to get to work... I mean seriously if you need an addiction that badly then stop half assing it with caffeine and move on to crack or heroin.....commit to something damn it instead of playing the I'm a coffee addict game...... you're pathetic !!!!!

Religious Rant.....or something like it.

Ok so I have been goofing around on this Blog so far and I feel it's time to actually try a serious discussion of a controversial viewpoint. Give my opinion on a relevant topic so to speak. So I picked religion....why? Because religious people piss me off !!!

Don't get me wrong I am not talking about the quiet kids that just go to church do what they do and you never hear about it, sure they are insecure but whatever works for you. I am talking about the slack jawed automatons that feel that its not good enough to have a belief but that everyone else should be as stupid as they are. Look... if you want to throw away your money and time because some con man jackass of a preacher or evangelist has somehow convinced you that the way to salvation is too line their pocket books and fill their wallet's that's your business. But don't expect me to pass on 10% of what I earn so some minister can take a "missions trip" to the Dominican Republic or pay for his hooker or whatever he is gonna do with it.....damn it if he needs money that bad GET A JOB !!!

Actually come to think of it I don't like my job, maybe I will pick some random book and start twisting everything it says to mean whatever I want it to mean and start me a big business church... hell I won't even have to pay taxes....did you know that shakespeare was a prophet? He wrote the words of God in his plays and only I can decipher the code....gimme a $100 bucks and I will tell you all about how you are better then everyone else because you believe the crap I say and how everyone else needs to be made to act and think just like you ! Did you know that Hamlet is Shakepeare's code for Jesus ?? and he died so that you could speak to spirits... that's right you can talk to your dead grandmother ... she won't talk back but I can pass on her messages to your through the use of television.....it's all there ...the secret message on Happy Days says you will live forever in the land of Ceasar which is Shakepeare Heaven and it can all be yours for $100 a month ....act now and get a free set of steak knives !!!!

The Point? Organized religion is retarded !!!!

My Pee Smells like Kitty Litter...

Indeed it did today.....I don't usually get into my personal shite on this here doo hickey so I will leave out details but the milk in my corn flakes was yellow today and my ass still hurts cause someone left the KY on the shelf today......riddle me this.......

An extremely uncomfortable situation was presented at work today where a supervisor needed to have a very uncomfortable talk with an employee.......now ... did said employee's super do it? nope.... maybe the manager ?? nope.... How about HR who instigated said nasty situation??? nope.......guess what...

The Jester had to do it !!!!!!... Like I said I ain't getting into details cause Gawd knows who will ever end up reading this here rag ..... but the Jester's smile was a little crooked today......and his ass was a tad on the bloody side.... anyone got a tampon?

I found my Joaquin

Ok so I found my Joaquin.........Anna Faris!!!!!!!!.......This is the woman I would leave my wife for !!!!!!.... I dunno why exactly.....maybe its because in all her movies she plays a crazy biatch and I tend to be attracted to crazy....I like crazy... crazy is sexy!!! I also have an unholy attraction to Natasha Lyonne who is not really all that attractive... but damn crazy ... mmmmm crazy.......and lets face it I myself am a few fries short of a happy meal ..... Oh if you only knew the real me!

Anyway back to more important things... Anna Faris.....if you are saying to yourself.. WHo the F is Anna Faris......she is the girl that plays the role of Cindy in the "Scary Movie" series. She was also in "Just Friends" and "Waiting" with Ryan Reynolds. Both movies she plays a bit of a crazy biatch....love her. I don't usually like the skinny girls but she is crazy enough to make me want to throw her around a little.... she is married to some guy named Ben but I don't care... I forgive her.....

Am I metrosexual ?!?

Ok.... So I am at work right, near the end of my piece of shite shift and I have a list of all the DVD's I own up, and Rhi walks by and says "13 going on 30?? You actually own that!!!....well ... yes I do. Now thinking about it I realize its not Oscar material but I kinda liked it...then I thought about other movies I like...now its true I like the typical guy action stuff, horror all that ... but then sprinkled in are some WHAT THE F!@%$ material. The one that springs to mind is Moulon Rouge... I hate to actually admit in somewhere where even 1 person might read this but I loved the movie Moulon Rouge and yes, it is in the collection. So apparently I now must ask.... does that sound gay? I mean I am not homophobic or any of that and no offense to gay people but .... sure sounds gay to me... yet I love it. I could lie and say its cause Nicole Kidman is so hot bla bla bla but truth is other then this movie I don't think she is that hot, this stems from me being short and not liking girls over 6 ft but still. Truth is ... I like the music... thats right, I like the music from moulon rouge, yup just one step away from show tunes....

so the question is ... AM I METROSEXUAL??? ... ( if you find metrosexuals hot then I am ok with it otherwise......bollox)

keep in mind the previous post before answering as there is at least a little pork in the piglet

Tony Danza !!!!!

Ok a tad disgusting but funny as hell I heard this one last night from Mr Peacock. What is a Tony Danza? That was the question ... and the answer? During the act of ... "making love"... from the rear position....as the man is about to hit the pinnacle .... he shouts out " WHO's THE BOSS?"....when the woman replies "what?!?" ... the man pulls out and enters the forbidden oriface, punches her in the back of the head and yells "TONY DANZA".

Now after doing some research on the subject, (yes i researched it, I am here to educate not to spread perversions), I have learned some valuable information, the act is also known as "The Donkey Punch" (without the Tony Danza yelling of course) and the idea is to punch her hard enough to cause her to lose conciousness thus causing a tighting of the sphinctor muscle and a wonderful sensation... well for the man anyway... the girl's only sensation is the concussion and headache when she wakes up.

So there you go ... you learn something stupid everyday !

What am I doing?

Ok ... so a BLOG huh? Why am I creating a BLOG? I dunno..... Who will look at it?...I dunno.... Why will they care to look at it? ... damned if I know..... But I have a whole hell of a lot of useless time on my hands lately so why not.....I can tend to be screwed up in the head a bit right? ... So why not write it down somewhere......all the cool kids seem to be doing it.... so here I am following the crowd like a true original.....a pioneer.... a man that says " I WILL DO WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY ARE DOING IT !!! " noone follows a crowd anymore .... so by doing what everyone else is doing simply because they are doing it makes me truly unique... don't ya think?

Oh and by the way .... Welcome to my BLOG